Learning To Love Again

I feel the need to write this and really, I have no where else to write this out.  I’m am just frustrated by the population of people right now.  I come here and everyone is so warm and welcoming, I step out in the real world and I run into jerks.

I am NOT perfect.  I will never ever claim to be.  If some one claims they are perfect they are lying.

To begin, when my “friend” was still very much my friend (we all know about her, please see other blogs incase you dont) and Salem was very much still alive and I had NO idea how to even afford how to get him to a specialist, let alone make any decisions, she created a fund raiser site for me.  All I personally had at first was the link to pass around.  I was instantly attacked for it.  HOW DARE I ask for help??  it took A LOT for me to even agree to her making this thing, let alone pass it out.  I have a lot of pride.  A LOT.  Asking for help is not something I normally do, however it was SALEM my baby! I had to do something I couldnt just watch him slip away and be in so much pain, so screw pride.

I posted the link where I had felt comfy at the time… the feline diabetic site, they had been so friendly with Loki why not?  I was bashed up and down, my friend had asked for too much money in their eyes.  Honestly I had agreed and said I felt better knowing it wasn’t just me who thought this, so I got a hold of her and she gave me the info so I could set it how I wanted.  Meanwhile one woman was saying how I must be making all of this shit UP.  I just lost a cat I couldn’t possibly be going through all of this.  It was like a trial!  I finally took a video of him trying to walk, took video of how there was NO use of his paw.  She shut up and donated.  I sent her a gift as a thank you.  I sent a gift as a thank you to EVERY single person who donated.  I hand made a gift for each and every one of them.  I was SO over whelmed by the love I received.  I made so many friends, in fact I became friends with the very person who thought I was lying before hand.

When Salem passed, a friend of mine secretly raised the $200 I needed for the cremation, which was amazing, and when I had money I made three purchases to her etsy store so that she could use the funds to help with her own bills.

Now, like two months ago, my brother and his girlfriend thought they were doing “right” by making a gofundme account to see if they could raise money for the family/pet photo shoot I want.  I right away told them NO.  I would either get the money or it wouldn’t happen, so they took it down.  However the damn thing is STILL posting to my facebook page.  For weeks if I caught the post I would delete it.  My brother’s girlfriend couldn’t even figure out how to get it to stop posting on our pages.

Today, said friend from above saw the post and FLIPPED.  How dare I abuse people and abuse their emotions, etc.  I said, look I didn’t create this, I cant get it to stop posting.  I was told that facebook NEVER posts without you knowing… really?  tell my friends who were getting game requests from me when i wasn’t playing that…. She then went on to say I am self centered and only care about myself and Im selfish and then she said it…I never loved Salem.  It was all for the money.  Really?  First of all… IF I wanted I could post all my damn vet bills that all the donations went to.

Let me explain her…  She has a cat that has been in renal failure for months.  A diabetic cat that she chooses when to give it insulin and when to give it fluid treatments.  She also feels the need to post her vet bills and the fluid treatments as if… no one would believe her.  What I can not believe is the numerous conversations I have had with her about how she KNOWS the cat is ready but shes not so… she will keep doing what she can to keep it alive.  Also, her one dog became ill right after her cat… did I question?  No.  I sent her money for her vet bill.  $35 so she could take him to be seen.

Now, I think I am more pissed off, that I have defended her, been there for her and I don’t really know her, and yet all she has done is judge.  It breaks my heart that people are like this.  That they wont believe the words people say.

And for SOME reason, she had a mutual friend question me if my brother was even my brother… wtf.  we look ALIKE.  hes been my brother for 25yrs and what does THAT have anything to do with anything??

Rawr.  Ok Im done.  and by the way, if I said anything to offend any one here… sorry Im not sorry…. I just needed to write the damn truth out.

Back to my rainbows!

I waited and waited.  I looked and looked.  Everyone said, keep looking you will see it soon.  I thought maybe you both forgot me, or that I did not deserve it.  But I kept looking.

And then it happened.

And I knew it was you.  And it was my birthday and I was missing you both so very much.  I felt it deep within my heart, and I cried.  I cried and cried and laughed a little and smiled and loved you with everything I have.

Thank you Loki and Salem, thank you for giving me the biggest, brightest most full of color rainbow I have ever seen.

<3 Mommy

Sally,

I know where you are right now.  It hurts to breathe, hurts to feel.  I’ve been there, some days I am STILL there.  You did everything you possibly could to give Hannah an amazing life and she knew it.  That is why she was always HAPPY, even in the end.  You were together and that’s how it should’ve been.  Now Hannah is whole again and out there in most beautiful meadow, playing with all of those that we have already sent there.  I know Salem was there, waiting.

You have been there SO very much for me the last few months, you have honestly helped me heal.  Just knowing that someone was out there, thinking of me, remembering Salem, was an amazing feeling.  Just know that there are SO SO SO many of us out here, loving you, loving Hannah.  You have been there so much for ALL of us.  Let us return the favor.  Let US be there for YOU.

I love you so much and have always looked forward to hearing what you had to say on my posts.  You inspired me to keep going.

I want you to go back and look over everything you have said to me, and remember how powerful your own words were.  Remember that I love you, even though we have never met face to face.  I think of you often and will continue to do so.  If you EVER need anything, even just a shoulder… I am here.

<3 Kendi and Guardian Salem Bynx

11 months old!!!

My little Dodger is growing up so fast!  I can not believe how fast he is growing, right in front of me.  He has really started to come in to his own and has such a great personality.  It makes me a little sad to know that he had to wait so long for someone to come around and love him as much as I do.  He is my little peanut.  I have learned that even though it has been hard for me, but that I can love full heartedly again and its OK.  He was NOT a replacement, he was just a kitten that was lonely like I was.  But now we have each other.  And thats how it was meant to be.

My princess

And then I also have this beautiful cat that is finally coming into her own and finally feeling like she belongs in our home.  Watching her become more and more comfortable has been a real experience.  She came to us when her own family dumped her at my home and left, never to be seen or heard from again.  We had just lost Loki, and they were about to put her to sleep as they couldn’t move and bring her with them.  I had to save her, I thought I was fostering her, obviously I was wrong.  We renamed her Athena, as “Tabby” was just NOT the right name for her at all.  And let me tell you…she sure lives up to her new name LOL 🙂

someone is comfortable!

Oh hi…

She loves my brother’s room, sometimes its the only time i see her LOL.

I have learned some things this past few months.  It has certainly not been easy, I have lost friends, I have lost pets, but I have gained even more friends and I gained some amazing pets as well.   Everything happens for a reason and maybe we don’t know what the reason is, but we have to just keep our hearts open, even if they get hurt from time to time.

SO.

Since I have been gone for soooo long.  I decided to do something for Sally …and Happy Hannah of course!

So here is to my “Jack and Dodger” video/picture post!!!

Just watching some Twilight Zone

Mommy wes go to Disney yes?

and thens I want to go over here….and then here….

no more looking up disney stuffs mom….

So Jack had a little scare… I thought the worse…I was not prepared for the worse, but I tried to be.  He was not able to walk, he was crying constantly, shaking, whining, wanting my attention constantly.  I had to carry him to the car, to the vet, and was holding him in the waiting room.  I heard a daughter ask her mom what she thought was wrong and the mom said very easily, “Oh probably putting him to sleep hun.”  GOD I hope not was all I could think as he shook in my arms.  We finally went in the room and we realized our vet had just went out on maternity leave (this happened to me at the other vet with salem too!) and we had a fill in, a 75 yr old man.  However, he was probably the best thing for us.  He didn’t charge us for ANYTHING.  He felt bad that we were just there and were told his ears were NOT infected when… Ive had him for 10yrs…we know when he has an ear infection…of course they are!   SO we got meds and ear swabs for no cost.  Which was great.  So he looks at my pup’s legs and he starts crying and howling in pain, finally, he discovers…a THORN!  in his paw pad!  In like the worlds most sensitive place on a paw pad.  He gets it out and suddenly… no more yelping, no more crying or hurt.  Hes still limping but getting better by the minute.  WHEW!!!  I have to say I could not mentally handle that if it were more than a thorn.  Having just lost Salem AND Loki… I just can’t even wrap my head around the fact my pup is going on 11…

But here are a few videos of cuteness…

http://youtu.be/7pqO420-GUQ

And Here is Jack, sounding like a pig LOL

http://youtu.be/hpi1cI2S29s

Heres hoping the videos work and Sally and Hannah enjoy them!!!!!

<3 Kendi

I just can NOT for the life of me get myself out of this funk I have been in.  I guess I really have been through a lot emotionally.  Stress has been awful.

I am in the stages of quitting smoking, trying to diet and just be all around healthier.  I thought maybe that would get me out of the funk I’m in.  But I have to say what I REALLY need a damn day to walk around the park in the SUN.  Man do I miss the sun.  This snow has got to go!!!! Maybe that would cheer me up, ya know… no SNOW!

Jack went to the groomer the other day and OOPS he got cut on the neck 🙁  HE went one way, the groomer went the other.  Considering how bad Jack can be at a groomer (he was abused by one as a pup) I’m surprised he hasn’t been hurt like that more often.  Hes a good boy, just hates being groomed now lol.  I can not blame him.

Dodger goes back tomorrow to get his eye looked at.  Hopefully its getting better.  It seems like it.  I just hope this isnt something that will last forever.

So that “friend” of mine you all know so much about resurfaced today.  Just sending me a reminder that yes I still owe her money.  Apparently she owes taxes this year and she needs my money to pay it off.   I so wanted to say…aww it sucks to OWE doesn’t it?  But I’m better than that.  Though I had just heard she was being a bitch about it to our mutual friend, saying how I never stay true to my word.  So I wrote back to her…don’t worry, I STAY TRUE to my word.

Guess that wasn’t so nice either, but I’m getting pass the give a damn point.

I would post some pics but I am writing this at work hehehe.  When i get home if I don’t fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed I will try to post some 🙂

<3 Kendi

Well I just wasted a ton of my time (keeping me from here and my family) learning how to work for Turbo Tax and then quit after day two because their standards are just way too high for someone just starting out.  Im not perfect and I don’t claim to be but to be angry that my call times are 20mins instead of 18min is just stupid.  Lots of other reasons but that one might annoy me more.  Im stressed over something that was supposed to be a fun side job.  Yeah and it wasnt.  I feel like maybe I didn’t give it a chance, but they werent giving me one either.  I hope I get some kind of pay for my 5 hrs UGH

Dodge still has the eye issue.  THIS time I went to Salem’s vet and they gave me EYE DROPS.  crazy right??  Heres hoping.

Mommy and Me!

So Jack is my 10 yr old Cocker Spaniel.  I have had him since he was 4 months old, and yes I got him at a pet store.  He was my first real pet that was outside of hamsters, guinea pigs etc LOL.

His story is that, long story short my gram had lived with us since I was 5.  She came to help my mom raise two kids when my dad remarried/passed away.  I remember a week or so after my Gram had passed away just not feeling myself and for some reaosn I HAD to go look at puppies.  (Seriously, Ellen had just showed her new pup to the world on her show and I was like OMG I NEED TO GO)  At 20 yrs old I was begging my mom to take me to a pet store.  And she did.  The first place we went to had randomly closed, so I convinced her to drive 40 mins out of our way to a pet store in a mall of all places LOL.  We always played this game, what would you name them, how big do you think they will get, etc.  BUT NEVER EVER hold one.  It was the rules LOL.

I was playing along and then I saw him.  He was just laying there, his face looking exactly how I felt inside and I heard myself ask mom if I could hold him.  And she actually said, “ok”.

They brought him out and we sat in the little room.  I got on the floor and he turned into an entirely NEW puppy.  He was all over me, yipping, jumping, licking my face, eating my shoe laces, MAN I laughed SO hard.  I forgot that mom and bren were there, Bren was annoyed I was even playing with the dog (he was in a “everything dies” mood) suddenly I heard him say “mom just bought you the dumb dog.”  I got up, scooped him up and bounded out of the room telling him I loved him and his name was Jack Daniels and he was mine and I was his, I was SO excited.  I grabbed all kinds of toys, a collar you name it.  My brother rolled his eyes and I skipped out of the mall LOL.  Later we found out that THAT was the day my gram was cremated.

Such a good pup

I had SUCH a bad case of insomnia, so I was up all night every night with him and my mom watched him while I was at work.  But for the most part Jack would sit with me on my lap (when he was little! lol) while I was on the computer.  He was such a good boy and he actually distracted me ALOT.

The little guy has gone though a lot with us.  Two huge moves, a groomer that abused him (and I protested outside of this past summer), ear infection after ear infection, dealing with kitties (and being great!) and yet he is still here being “Just Jack.”

My mom will tell you this… if ANYONE is going to correct him, do something with him he will not like, walk him, etc…yeah its ME.  I’m the only one he hasn’t gone after if he was mad or angry.  I can get him to drop anything.  When we had to go from groomer to groomer I was the one that had to take him and sit in the rooms with him until we found one that he was ok being with.  (I think it helps because she is a friend of mine and I TRUST her.)  Don’t get me wrong he loves everyone, but I think its pretty clear I’m his mommy 🙂

Right now the poor little guy has a new type of med in his ears, and it has made him deaf.  He still has 1 1.2 weeks of this crap.  I can see it on his face hes so lost cause he can’t hear.  He just looks at me and follows me around. But hopefully this will really make him feel better.  He is at least sleeping most of the night now.  He also might have a thyroid issue which we are waiting tests on.  Though I have started wet food with his dry and it seems to be making him feel more full and hes not doing gross things like eating his poop HEHEHE.  🙂

He has been VERY good with Dodger and the two of them are hilarious together.  My mom says that he and Athena were both sleeping on her lap last night but theres no proof so I dunno… LOL

Now… for a random Dodger pic just cause 🙂

YEP how he sits.

Now, this little guy ALSO has an issue.  He has a kitty cold.  His eye is all crazy, the third eye lid is covering it.  Yes hes on meds.  He went to the vet with Jack the other day.  SIGH.  One thing after the other here.   One day we will have peace.  LOL

<3 Kendi

Hi everyone!!!  No, I didn’t disappear or leave the site, Im still here!

I have been very busy and to be honest, a little down, a lot down actually.  My “friend” had a big blow out with me, where she publicly on facebook tried to tarnish my reputation.  It truly hurt my feelings.  To give a small insight to what was going on, she was upset that I got Dodger sooner than SHE thought I should.  Said it proved I NEVER loved Salem or Loki and that I was just a crazy cat lady.  She kept making my grief all about her, while saying I was being selfish and uncaring.  I never said a hurtful thing to her but apparently, I lied and was “searching” for a newer model before Salem even died.  NOT at all.  I DID search for a place to make a donation, but that is not “cat” shopping.  Besides, I ALWAYS pet window shop.  Who doesn’t????

Enough about that…

I have also been working full time, going to school full time AND just started an over night training course for a second job.  SO thats where I have really been.  I am at work right now typing this lol 🙂

So Dodger has been fitting in pretty well.  He is quite the trouble maker though.  He really likes playing with Jack and is terrified of Athena.  Last night he got into a bucket of cleaning water and trashed the bathroom, after figuring out how to open the darn door LOL.  He has trashed my room over and over, thrown his water bowl in the air.

However,

I wouldn’t trade it for a second.  He is also incredibly loving.  He LOVES snuggling with me and loves being held close.  He also really likes pouncing my feet at night lol.

I almost see a little bit of both Loki and Salem in him.  A little bit of country a little rock and roll LOL 🙂

Anyway, I will try to write more and still keep you all posted 🙂

<3 Kendi