Learning To Love Again

So…I wrote a rather long post on my Facebook and thought I would share it with all of you.  After years of saving up, I am finally going to New Zealand to see my best friend I’ve never met.  So here is the post 🙂

My mom has always had her “person” by her side, for as long as I can remember. I had always wondered what that was like, what it was like to have that one person who just understood you without you even saying a word. That one person who would just shake their head when you made a mistake, laugh with you after and never once make you feel like an ugly person because the mistake was made. That one person who just genuinely wanted to be around you, to share good times and bad times with…mom always had that person. She came when mom needed her most and never left her side. I thought I found that person…and realized how toxic that person actually was. All the while, my person was always there. She was kind and never once looked down on me. She stayed up till her eyes were blurry from exhaustion, right by my side when I had to say goodbye to jack, she was there every step of the way when I was dealing with my mom in the hospital. She was there when “friends” became none existent, she was there when I was stupid and there when I was smart. It’s funny because I thought the whole…”best friend” thing meant you had to physically be with that person, do things…go places. Sometimes I hate the internet, but it’s where my person is. We are always there for each other, “doing things” together just by messaging back and forth during events and outings. She made me see things with eyes wide open. She doesn’t care that I have other friends, she doesn’t care that I go places and dont “invite” her. Because she knows shes going to hear all about it anyway. when Jack passed, all she kept saying was that she wish she could be here, physically here and it meant the world to me but…she was always right there. Sometimes your spirit just knows that you aren’t alone. For almost half my life she has been there and the last few years it has been more apparent. She is on the other side of the world and yet always right beside me. In 124 days we will physically be beside each other and I feel like I’ve waited a life time for that to happen. I’m anxious and excited all at one time but I can’t wait. She has adventures planned when really I’d be just as happy sitting in a room just being friends in the same space. (Okay…I reallllly cant wait for Hobbiton) 21hours is a long way to travel for someone, but true and honest friendship is so hard to find and when you find it…cherish it. If you are lucky enough to find that friendship, keep it, hold on to it and don’t let it go. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets you up in the morning. My mom always said, you’ll count your true friends on your one hand, I’d like to think I have a few more than one hand and I hope they know who they are. If you don’t, I’m sorry you are not aware and I will do better to make it more known to you in the future. If you are reading this, you are a part of my life and I want you in it. I’m not perfect…I deal with anxiety and sometimes it makes me not want to be social. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less. Sometimes I get trapped in my own head and I can’t get out. I try to be the positive person and sometimes I can’t see the rainbow right away, but I always find my way back. And you can too. Lean on your person, lean on your family and friends, draw strength from the love they have for you and you can get through anything. And I mean anything. That is what my person taught me…that is why this trip is so powerful and so meaningful to me. Because love comes in many forms and it will over shadow the voices in your head if you let it. If you are still reading this…thank you for being in my life <3

Today marks the one year anniversary of mom’s stroke and she is sitting next to me watching the walking dead.  I couldn’t be more happy to say that as a year ago I had no idea what was going on.  I hope you are all well out there, know that I think of you all constantly!

Dodger got his first “grownup” collar last night and hes prancing around like hes the best thing ever.  It’s adorable haha.  Athena has a new bed and usually pushes Dodger out of it.  I’m thankful that they get along and fight like real siblings.

If I don’t write before…happy holidays to all of you 🙂

<3 Kendi